Time to think

I had dinner with an old friend last night which was nice and caused me to be a bit introspective. I very recently just ended a relationship which had honestly been on its way out for a little while now. But just talking about it with her made me very aware of myself... Different aspects of my personality that I’ve acknowledged before, but she also gave me a different perspective on how I was probably making the other person feel as well. When it comes to being in a relationship, I tend to put all of my energy into it and dedicate all my time into that one person... Which has happened previously and even though I know it’s not the healthiest thing to do, the emotions I feel once I find someone I like are extremely strong and really just take over me.

To better illustrate this, when I first met him and started talking I felt there was something special about him right away. And it’s not like I say this about every guy I meet because that would be pathetic and prove me to be extremely desperate. I’d been single for about 8 months and had met a few guys, but none of them really interested me. But from the get-go I just felt something very special in him and I definitely felt like we were very much alike, in both personality and even looks/demeanor. Within a few days of talking we were just sitting on my couch and I admitted that I had a crush on him, and though he didn’t say anything, after he left that night he texted me and said “i’m sorry.. i totally blew it. when you told me you had a crush on me i just got so happy and the words wouldn’t come out.” And my heart pretty much melted. And for the next few weeks we talked endlessly and had an amazing time just getting to know each other. I was on a natural high for those weeks... In such a positive mood, heart beating like a crazy man, everything was just so fresh and exciting...

After a while that initial excitement faded, as it always does, but it’s not like i didn’t feel anything anymore. I was still very much attached to him in every sense. But over time I saw a change in him, a gradual loss of interest. But what I also learned from the conversation I had last night was just how much pressure I was putting on him, without me really even knowing it. He is an extremely busy person and I’m well aware of that... Yet I would text him all the time and when I wouldn’t hear back from him in a certain amount of time I would freak out and think he’s out doing something... Also, since I’m not nearly as occupied, I wanted to hang out all the time, and sometimes he’s either just too busy, or too tired after his long day... And i would give him shit over that and start to worry and think something was wrong when there really wasn’t; he really was just too busy or tired, and I acknowledge that that was very selfish on my part. Yet, my constant pestering him to contact me all the time definitely put stress on everything and is basically what I think caused everything to go downhill. He was stressed about feeling like he always has to contact me and hang out with me every time he had a spare minute. And I’m stressed out because I’m not nearly as busy, live alone, and my mind goes haywire when I don’t hear from him or see him within a certain time frame.

What I’ve really learned is that I need to occupy myself with more activities and try not to take things too serious too quick. Though I’ve somewhat become better at controlling my emotions (compared to previous experiences), I know that my emotions will always be extremely intense. I think gay relationships kind of tend to move really quick and involve intense emotions because it’s just so damn hard to meet down-to-earth, masculine guys... And when you find one that you genuinely like, you latch on to them with dear life because it’s not like you come across a person like that every day. It just feels so good to be with someone that can fully understand you, because unless you’re in the same situation, you really will never know how much it can affect you. And though I’ve come a long way since my “outing” almost exactly two years ago, it’s still an ongoing process just trying to become completely comfortable in my own skin.